Ep.31- Joy is the Antidote for Fear and Uncertainty

Anna Ditchburn: 00:00:04

I know you, you are afraid to speak up, you are scared of what other people think of you. And you blame yourself for what happened to you. I know how it feels. Because I've been there. If you found me, I'm so grateful you're here. This podcast will give you hope. And now I'm your host, Anna ditchburn. I'm going to hold your hand and provide the guidance that I needed the most. It's time for you to find your why. And turn your experience into your superpower. So lock your door, put your headphones in, and enjoy Johanna White. Welcome to the world's best Trauma Recovery podcast.

Johanna White: 00:00:57

Thank you. I'm honored to be here.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:01:00

It's my absolute honor to have you here, Joe, when we met. And it's been like a couple of weeks, I know you. When we first jump on our call, I just I saw you are such a bundle of joy. Such a positive person with a huge goals. And with amazing mindset. I'm just wondering, why is joy so important in our life?

Johanna White: 00:01:30

We did jump in right with a core question. Joy is I have discovered the antidote to uncertainty and to fear, like through my life journey and various things that have happened, which we will get into much in this episode, I'm sure I battled a lot of fear. And then I realized that what I was really afraid of in each of those situations was of losing my happiness or of losing my joy. And when I realized that, it became obvious that I had the opportunity to choose joy, no matter what was going on in my life. No matter whether I was almost dying, or fully living, I could choose joy. And when I realized that it just crushed and crumbled the fear that had led me most of my life and fear that caused almost as many symptoms and problems as actual circumstances did. And I suddenly just came a wake to the fact that I had been afraid, because I was striving for certainty, all the time, I wanted to be certain of outcomes of my future of my health of my body. And things happened in my life that opened my eyes to the fact that actually, we just have today. And certainty is an illusion. But we spend so much of our time working for it, striving for it, worrying for it. And when when I realized this, I discovered that certainty is never going to happen. But that joy is the antidote. And uncertainty causes fear. And fear causes half of the problems in our life. And so choosing joy is one what kept me alive during a brain tumor battle and helped me not take the doctors word as the last word and helped me look beyond that. And become victorious through that process. But choosing joy also, just yeah, it laid waste to the fear. It opened up all of the opportunities in my life, and I was able to move into my potential, because I was no longer afraid. So that is why that concept is near and dear to my heart. A few years ago, when COVID first happened in the whole world spiraled into uncertainty, everyone got a chance to learn the lesson that I learned eight years ago with a brain tumor, which is I thought I had a lot more control than I actually do and nothing is certain. And some people let that drive them deeper into the ground into fear and they curled up and they waited for certainty to come back. But for the people that started to pick up on what I had picked up on, they made massive strides in life in business and in reaching others and being a light in the world because they chose joy as it's like people say you know you fall in love or you're not in love. But I believe you can also you choose love every day. I think joy is the same way and it It completely changes your life and how you impact others. When you make that choice,

Anna Ditchburn: 00:05:05

you just nailed it. You answer this question even better than I expected. Because you're so right. We are choosing, being happy. We're choosing to have joy and love in our lives. And some things you we can't control, but we can control how we respond to those things. Yeah. And you're talking about fear? Where did it come for you?

Johanna White: 00:05:33

Well, I was an anxious person, as long as I can remember, which sounds silly, what is it child's have to be anxious about, I lived in a safe ish, like a safe middle class home, I didn't truly have enemies or something to fear and middle class America. But I was anxious. All of the time, I had stomach ulcers. As an elementary schooler, I got so anxious about not being able to understand my math homework that I actually got stomach ulcers. I used to think I was going to throw up a lot in middle school in high school, like I'd be late for a class. And I'd have to run and get a drink of water because I was so nervous about being late. What were they really going to do? Give me a tardy, it's not like they were gonna line me up and execute me for being late. It was, it was just such a deep rooted emotional response to almost everything. And so when I asked myself, like, where did that come from, I knew lots of kids that just lived and they didn't even think to be anxious. It probably comes from my my background, growing up in a What started out as just a small church, but turned into much more of a cult, where the pastor was constantly preaching from the pulpit, that if you didn't do this exact thing, you were going to be outside of the will of God, you are going to miss out, like, if you miss a sermon, you're never gonna hear that word again. And you're gonna go to hell probably this goes to hell this because the hell like always driving home the fear, you probably don't even know what the will of God is, but you need to be in it. And don't bother to listen for it. I'm the only one. He's the only one that could hear God and tell you and, and if someone was brave enough to leave the church, then they would immediately preach from the pulpit about how wicked and evil they were and how they were into witchcraft. And you're into, like, as a child, you, I desperately wanted to be good. I was born a goody two shoes.

Johanna White: 00:07:53

And so this feeling like I could never quite even trust myself. My trust in in my own motives was completely eroded, constantly doubted. I got rebaptised Like, 20 times, because I wasn't actually sure if I was saved, how do I know? And just this constant little bits of anxiety. And, you know, the crazy thing was, they taught a lot of the Bible, but they twisted it. And they definitely use it just to control and keep close, like, it got to where you don't go to movie theaters, because something evil might jump on you or don't go be around other people because they're like, they're wicked, and it might contaminate you, I don't even know I was pretty young. But those were the kinds of things that I picked up on whether they actually said those things or not. Those were the things as a little child that I heard. And so, but I thought that I was like a really great Christian and that I was at the one church that was doing it right, and all of these things. And then when I was like 13, my parents finally got brave enough to say, this is not right. And then they confronted the pastor who had done some really terrible things all in the name of God and said, that is not God. Like, you need to change this. And he said, Nope, either I'm leaving or you're leaving, and he essentially kicked out like half of the church. And I went from this childhood where I was anxious. Sure, didn't know why. But at least I thought I had this foundation and that I was on the right path and that I knew what was right and what was wrong. To all of this sudden, overnight like, I remember when night my parents said don't come to church with us tonight. We're going by ourselves. Do you see how much was really Weird, I always had to go. Every time there was a service I was there. We didn't even go on vacation. I didn't plan for college, because I was so sure that like, I needed to do something, and I wasn't sure what but surely going off to college, I would drift away or something. So I didn't make plans for the future. I didn't make plans for life at all. And because you don't do that, when you don't trust yourself to be able to make any decisions. But then that night, my parents, obviously I was still young, they knew something. And they went and then came back and just essentially said, We're never going back. And I was shifted my entire world. Because up to that moment, all of my friends were there, I was homeschooled up till that point. So I didn't have outside, really outside influences or anyone, like that was my friends, that was the people that I loved, and who loved me, and then all of a sudden, they're gone, and we're never going back. And, and it's because they say that we're like, I know what's happening, they're gonna be now saying that we're evil and which of this stuff. And like, we still lived in a pretty small town. So sometimes I would see them on the street or in a store. And, you know, the last time we had been together had been fellowship and friends, and we're family. And then all of a sudden, I'm passing them on the street, and they look the other way, and literally run inside. And all of this just crumbling. I thought I questioned myself before. Now I'm like, What am I wicked,horrible. Ah, what did what happened.

Johanna White: 00:11:48

And so it just took everyone in my life for the most part. And all of a sudden, they were gone, including my sister, she was dating a guy at the church. And so she chose not to come with my parents. And that was, like, I saw her a few more times over the years. And it just got harder and harder to connect it to the point that now she just won't have anything to do with us. To the point that eight years ago, when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, someone managed to communicate with my sister because they thought she would want to come see me in the hospital. And instead, she told them that it was my fault. And I brought it on myself because I was so wicked.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:12:28

That's really harsh. That's, that's really harsh. And you know, very often our family, our biggest teachers, and our childhood, is the foundation for skills and beliefs that we learn. What are the what are some of the positive learnings Have you get from your childhood? Now, when you look through your eyes?

Johanna White: 00:12:55

Yeah, well, at the same time, like that story, I think, is responsible for a lot of just the vague anxiety and fear. But at the same time, my parents were building a really strong foundation in my life of just love and faith, which that faith, again, saved my life years later. And this confidence, even though I questioned all of my motivation, I have a lot of confidence in something about myself some sort of just confidence that I was put on this life to do something awesome. And I don't want to settle for hanging out with people who want any less. So like, when I was in seventh grade, my parents finally decided I was a little too and socialized.And they essentially threw me to the wolves with the very best of intentions, and said, You need to have friends make friends, you're going to public school,

Anna Ditchburn: 00:13:59

the best school ever. watsco just throw your notion.

Johanna White: 00:14:03

Yeah, in seventh grade,

Johanna White: 00:14:06

which all of the little wolf packs of girls formed in sixth grade because they came in from all the different elementary schools make new packs. So now they've got all the little packs and I'm like, oh

Anna Ditchburn: 00:14:21

because thing ever

Johanna White: 00:14:24

said I need to make friends you wouldn't be.

Johanna White: 00:14:26

And I alternated between this just desire for friendship, and this disdain for the fake friendships that I found. Instead, I was able to have been in a situation where I grew up pretty independent, riding my horse and playing outside and swimming and like being this active, self reliant child who knew how to make anything fun. read every book in the library. Basically, we didn't even know I have a TV until seventh grade, probably. So I didn't rely on entertainment, I was entertainment. And I knew how to have fun. Even then, boredom was not a thing that ever happened to me. And then I entered this world of public school. And I longed for friendship. But what I see instead, are these girls that are like, besties, with this girl in one classroom. Oh, I have you. Let's hang out. Yeah. And then they leave the classroom. And one of the girls is in the next classroom with a different girl. And they're like, so and so did this, it this, like, I hate that girl like that, and talking behind their back and me as an outsider, I was, I don't know, cursed or blessed. To have that outside perspective, like I had not been in this. I didn't crave popularity. I just wanted a couple of good friends, which I did not get in school. I. Yeah, it was a constant battle that became a cycle that I struggled with, until probably a few years ago was just this desire for genuine friendship. Instead, finding a lot of the, like, superficial out there, and therefore just rejecting the concept entirely and being a prickly wall. Like, if I can't have real friendship, I just don't want to bother. backstabbing bitches in their life, not me.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:16:25

I'm believable. How you, you came to this realization, being so young.

Johanna White: 00:16:32

I think that was part of you. You asked what was the good parts of my childhood and what were the lessons and that was one of them. Now, granted, it created its own wounds that then through lots of mindset work the last like four or five years. And actually, again, since the brain tumor, like I started letting go of a lot of the the things that held me back and that was one of them. Because it keeps you from connections and partnerships and collaborations and all of the things that are making my business amazing now is because I can trust women, and but I can recognize the good ones. Now. Like even on Zoom, you get in the car comes on the first time I saw you, I just grinned here to air like, immediately. She's a real deal. And I can't wait to connect with it. But yeah, that foundation and that I realized I had a really strong sense of self despite the anxiety, and the maybe doubting myself worth, I knew what I loved. And I didn't want to waste time hanging out with people who had I had nothing in common, or they had terrible attitudes, or all of these things like Arch had strong faith and strong sense of self. And so I just kind of kept waiting for the to meet the people that would fit into that joy evolution, as I call it now. And as I'm doing so much work, in the last even few years mindset work and all of this stuff, I am beginning to shift and change who I attract very intentionally, like, I It's amazing. The women that are coming into my life are the women that I wished for in high school, but maybe if I had met them in high school, I wouldn't have been ready for it. And I would have self sabotage probably destroyed a lot of great things. And because I didn't have that it still served me well back then because I didn't care about being popular. So I didn't go along with the crowd. I didn't do the normal high school drama. I just basically like got in, got out and moved on with my life.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:18:49

Not my cup of tea.

Johanna White: 00:18:52

But my husband tells stories of his high school history and he loved it. He went to this really great private school and was like best friends with everybody and they're still connected. So sometimes I definitely have pangs of jealousy. Like, oh, what if my high school had been awesome?But you can't go back you can only go forward. So yeah,

Anna Ditchburn: 00:19:16

thank you so much for sharing. I love it. I love how you're saying you have to carefully choose people in your life to be with because you become an average of the five people you spend the most time with four or five books or your and now you are an award winning graphic designer and visual branding strategist. What was the catalyst for such an amazing and high achievements?

Johanna White: 00:19:52

Well, I we already hinted at this a little bit earlier but probably not probably the cab list for going from that scared, always anxious person who just lived in to be mediocre to not ruffle any feathers to not make waves was a brain tumor. When I was I was 25. I think it was about nine years ago, I had gone to college twice, actually once for training horses, and then got totally burned out and depressed because it ruined my love for horses making it my job. So then I went back to doing menial work that I didn't love, and finally hated that enough to go back to college again, for design. And this time it stuck. And I loved it. But I still only got a job at like the lowest form of design you could possibly do at an agency, I was getting paid like 12 bucks an hour, and I was checking ads for errors before it went to press. And doing some page layouts. That was it. Like, it's not really designed, if I did get a chance to design something, it was like an assembly line, this needs to be done in an hour. And we need 10 of them and just like go go go. And no, don't put any thought into it, just throw the text on there and get it done. And so I worked at this agency, and I stayed way longer than I should. Because, again, I still lived in fear and scarcity and lack and everybody else there had the same mindset because this company was going under had been for a long time. And they were just kind of like riding this sinking ship. And, and they would say things like, Oh, you're just lucky to have a job, the design market is flooded, don't bother looking else. All of the great advice from inspiring people

Anna Ditchburn: 00:21:52

to trust as well.

Johanna White: 00:21:53

But because I still had that anxiety mindset and just like wanted certainty and wanted to be safe more than I cared about success, I cared about safety, more than I cared about potential security and certainty. And so at least you have a job, it was certain. And it was easy. It was so it wasn't even using a single brain cell. And sure I got paid peanuts, but I got paid peanuts for doing basically nothing. And so I lived in that for profit, I was probably there for two or three years. And I might have been there quite a bit longer. In fact, some of the people that were still there when I did leave, I've talked to them in the last year or two. And they stayed until it went completely down. And then they just made a hop to a very similar company that is now also going down and they have done nothing. So I know have this not happened. That could have been me. I hope it wouldn't, but it could have been. But I was there working in this like horrible, degrading environment where people get fired all the time. They don't care if you stay or go. But if they get fired, you get their work, you don't get a raise, you just get their work. And all of a sudden, one morning I woke up with this bleeding migraine just pounding through my skull. And I thought maybe I've been spending too much time in front of the screens. I don't know, of course, I tried to justify it because I'm a healthy person and I'm strong physically fit like, my identity was probably most in being strong. I didn't have much else going for me. But at least I was Hardy. And but I woke up with this migraine and it lasted for four days and I had to sleep in a closet because even tiny pinprick of light made me want to throw up and when it left, I'm still thinking like, Okay, this is just I need to get my eyes checked and spend less time in front of the screens. But when it left, I had all of this sudden, partial paralysis down my left side. My this muscle, the sternocleidomastoid was completely atrophied. We couldn't see it at all. Just overnight. The muscles behind my collarbone looked like someone had scooped them out with an ice cream scoop. And I couldn't speak because my vocal cords were collapsed on the left side. And what you found out later, and honestly, I might have just tried to muscle through all of that. If it hadn't been for the throat it also messed with the soft palate function. And all of a sudden I couldn't swallow food would come out of my nose instead of going down my throat. And once you've had Oreos come out of your nose. Your life is never the same.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:24:44

You're such a warrior. Such a warrior just looking into right now.

Johanna White: 00:24:50

But what happened with that was you know finally when you can't breathe and you're choking you eventually say I gotta do something about this. I went to the emergency room. They actually told me I was imagining it. They ran a scope down my throat and didn't see any obstructions. Then I told them, I was choking. And they said, there's there's nothing in there. They gave me a steroid shot sent me home, and I still can't talk and I can barely breathe. And so then we went to an ear, nose and throat specialist who said, these are really weird symptoms. The only thing that ties them all together is your ninth and 10th cranial nerves, so I'm sending you to a neurologist. So he sent me to a neurologist who did all the MRIs and CAT scans. And I'm still thinking like, Okay, I have a pinched nerve, I

Anna Ditchburn: 00:25:43

guess you're trying to downplay what's happening.

Johanna White: 00:25:47

There's no way that this is anything major, because I'm so healthy. And also I don't have insurance.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:25:55

Literally, you can be sick.

Johanna White: 00:25:58

But yeah, health plan, don't get sick. That was my health plan. But I'm at work when I worked second shift at this agency, because I was like, the checker before I was the last step before press, and it's like eight o'clock at night, and I get a call, and it's the surgeon himself. And I'm like, Oh, this can't be good. They don't call people themselves, not at eight o'clock. And so he asked me, you know, are you sitting down? Is there anyone who could be with you? And I'm like, Nope, I'm in a dingy office that I hate. Oh, by myself and this huge building, and hit me with it, like, what are we looking at? Any tells me that you have a mass? And so my immediate next question is, what does that mean? Like, tell me more. And he just, this is the first time that the answer is we don't know. And that became the answer for the next two and a half years. We don't know the results are inconclusive. Maybe it's bigger, maybe it's smaller, maybe it's cancerous. Maybe it's benign. Like, we don't know. And I thought up till that point, that if you didn't know, you go to a doctor, and they do all of these tests, and they find out and then you know, and it might be good, or it might be bad, but at least you have certainty because you know,

Anna Ditchburn: 00:27:20

yes, yes, I can. And I,

Johanna White: 00:27:24

I did not get that certainty. And I didn't get that we did a brain biopsy, they drilled a needle through my school three times to take out a sample. And after like, after that surgery, I wake up and they say, well, one, you woke up faster than anybody

Johanna White: 00:27:40

ever has. I just kind of popped out of the anesthetic, grabbed my stuff and was like, let's go. They said,

Johanna White: 00:27:54

the results are inconclusive. We didn't get enough of a sample. And we risked like paralyzing a nerve or something if we try again. And so that that was supposed to tell us if it was cancerous or benign, so that they could like know how to proceed. And all these things. But again, they didn't get that answer. And so that began this storyline that does not go in a straight line. It has the top which I will tell you first what was happening in the doctor's offices and in the medical world and in that journey. But underneath that foundation of faith that had started when I was a child was running at the same time. And that part of the story is where I learned to choose joy, and totally removed a brain tumor with faith alone. So but first, as I went from surgeon to surgeon, each one, like six months apart, you think it's an emergency when you have a brain tumor, and you think you're dying and you need certainty, and you need next steps and you need help and it's not an emergency apparently, it's like come back in six months and we'll do another MRI and maybe they can help you with the CyberKnife. Nope, turns out that might blow it to pieces and cause brain aneurysms as it dissolves. So maybe they can help you with this physical surgery. Nope. Turns out too delicate of an area can't be done. Maybe they can help. And it was just like this up and down roller coaster months apart. Maybe we can help and then no, we can't. And each time they do another MRI. And they'd say maybe it's bigger. Maybe it's the same size. We're not quite sure, because it was on a different office on a different machine every time. So that was happening. But what was happening at the same time over those two and a half years as I followed the traditional path that everyone expected of me and anytime I talked about, well, maybe I'm not going back to the doctor because this isn't working then As everyone else's fear would land on me, like, are you giving up? You gotta keep going, I gotta keep going back. And I knew at this point, they didn't have the answers that I saw it. But I wanted family and friends to think I wasn't giving up. So I kept going back. But what was happening at the same time was that shortly after the diagnosis, maybe two weeks, I was at my office, and I looked around, and I went, Oh, I am not going out like this. If I don't know if I'm gonna die or not. I am not dying, having left all of my talent on the table, never having tried never having failed, and never having done any, like, what do I have to lose? And I thought I had all of this time to climb the ladder and be successful and all these things, but maybe I have six months, maybe I have less. But either way, I'm not going to like this. So I literally walked out of the office, walk down the street started knocking on doors and saying, Hi, I'm Johanna, I design stuff. Do you need stuff. And how designed by Joe was founded. Thankfully, it's come a really long way since then. But I so I quit my job. And I started not just one, but actually three companies in that same year, because along with designed by Joe, I also started a company called uniquely yoga, which sells really cool yoga pants made out of recycled water bottles. I got into that because I wanted a way to encourage other women who might be going through the same thing. And like early on in the journey, when part of my left side was still paralyzed. I could no longer do my typical hard pounding like CrossFit type of workouts. And so at first, I just gave up completely because it seemed like no matter what I did, my body went the other way. So why bother trying? If I'm dying anyway? Why am I wasting time at the gym. But but then kind of in the same moment where I realized I could choose joy, I realized that movement itself was a gift. And it wasn't about the outcome that it was about today I can move and I'm grateful for it. So I found these pair of yoga pants that said I can I will on the leg, and I lay them out.

Johanna White: 00:32:32

And every day I want to give up, but then I'd see it and I go no I can. And as long as I can, I will. And so I'd move a little bit and do a little bit of yoga, and my muscles started strengthening. Also what happened right after I got diagnosed, like literally the next day, I had just told my parents that night. And we're all kind of in shock. And that next morning, my dad had called one of his best friends who was a chiropractor. And he had just told him what was going on. And that deer man canceled an entire day like 50 patients told them all don't come in today. He showed up on my porch with an iPad Mini brand new, pre loaded with a Bible app. And he had already saved every verse he had found that talked about healing. And he handed it to me and he said, This is tools for the battle, grab your parents, we're gonna fight. He was like, took us for a walk. And he reminded me that he's just one of those very black and white in his faith kind of guys, like the Bible says that I believe it. And most of the time it makes you want to punch him in the face. But a lot of the times he's the only one brave enough to say things that need to be said. And he says it out of so much love for you that you're able to receive it. And in this case, it was Johanna, you've told me your whole life that you believe in God, that you believe in healing, but you're not acting like it right now. And you're not talking like right now. And you're winding yourself all up to go tell everyone your friends, your family, everyone this sob story. You didn't call it a sob story. But that's what it was. It was gonna be this like acceptance in declaration of I have a brain tumor. Here's what's happening. I'm about to have these things go wrong, like, all of these things. And he stopped me before I could and he said you've said your whole life you believe in healing, this is your chance to act like it. And so he challenged me to and I was like, Well, I can't lie. I I'm not that kind of person. And I'm not going to act like I'm healed when I'm not and all of these things. He's like no, it's not about that. It's

Anna Ditchburn: 00:34:48

it's Yeah, yeah, just be realistic. Be realistic.

Johanna White: 00:34:52

Yeah. And me not owning this story. So he said when you tell people, for one, don't walk up and say hi i Johanna, and I've got a brain tumor. And that's the most important thing about me. It's not about that. But if it comes up, and you need to tell them say, the doctor said this, or the scan said this or like, this is what they found, but stop owning it. And you when you're speaking to yourself, or you're speaking to others need to start saying, I am healed and reading these verses out loud and playing these verses at night, and all of these things like anything you can do. And so first, I hated him. And I ignored his his advice for like, a couple of weeks. And then I thought, No, I think he's right. And again, what am I got to lose, because if I prepare to die, I'm definitely going to, but I can choose to live and I might look crazy. But if I die anyway, who cares, I'll be dead. Nobody can make fun of me after I'm

Anna Ditchburn: 00:35:48

dead, you have nothing to lose.

Johanna White: 00:35:52

So why not try looking crazy. And so I would like play Psalms on my phone as I fell asleep at night because my head would be pounding and I'm struggling to swallow. And I would put in sermons that just talked about healing from any, like, I just Google, anything that talks about healing, I just put it in and let it play in the background. Because what I started to realize in the first couple of months was that the symptoms were bad enough on their own. But when I got anxious, and when I got on that hamster wheel of I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. And the more I thought about it, the more the pain increased, it was like, I could only focus on that spot on my head, and I could only feel the pounding. And then I've choked more, and I go from could barely breathe, to pass out on the bathroom floor. And I started to put two and two together, because I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed. But eventually I catch on, I realized that the fear was directly accelerating the symptoms massively. And I thought, well, I don't know what I can do about the tumor yet. I'm trying, I don't know what control I have or have not over this outcome. But what I do know is I can do something about the fear. And so I focused on that instead. Because it's like, until this fear gets out of my head, I don't think I can heal. I can't even tell myself, what I believe long enough, because it's interrupted by you're gonna die, you're gonna die, you're gonna die, you're gonna die. What about this? What about this, you're gonna die. And so I focused on the fear and said, and first I tried to just not be afraid, which I'm sure you know how well that works.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:37:29

i This is the hardest part, I see. The hardest part, I want to know more about this.

Johanna White: 00:37:36

When you tell yourself not to be afraid, it's like telling yourself not to think of a pink elephant is not. In fact, you're more afraid and, and you're mad at yourself, because you're trying so hard not to be and you are, and you're so now you're scared and mad.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:37:53

But you're still focusing on fear not to be fearful not to be fearful,

Johanna White: 00:37:57

self, yourself focusing on fear. So I started to learn, though, that I could drown it out. And so that's when I would like just play those sermons on repeat and in the background, and I thought, if I can't get my own thoughts, to think positive things, I'm gonna put somebody else's thoughts in, I will take their thoughts until mine are ready. And so I just started playing these and, and speaking out the verses, and if I was feeling too weak, I would call a family member and they would read them instead, they wouldn't stand with me and say, like, we don't think you're crazy, we believe too. And my symptoms started to get better and better and better. And the muscles which they had said, The atrophied muscles, they had said that it was caused by now, permanent nerve damage. And even if they removed the tumor, those muscles would not come back, that they were dead. And they started to come back and be like, bigger than ever, my arm was working again, my body started working again, the symptoms got less and less. So I went to that first like this was probably within the first six months of the diagnosis better, better, better, better, better. But I still went to that first six month MRI, we're going to talk to another surgeon because I still want certainty. And I still want to know, and I'm so sure that they're going to do this scan, and they're going to show me like it's smaller, or it's gone, because I feel so much better. And my body's working again, and my faith is up here. We go in and we do this scan and they come out and they say actually, it's the same or maybe bigger, and all of my face just crumbles. And I'm crying and sobbing all of the way home. And the doctor oh so helpfully told me like the next five symptoms I could probably expect based on growth. And so I went to the appointment, almost healed. And I went home with all of my symptoms back and woke up the next morning with the symptoms plus some what are those symptoms for?

Anna Ditchburn: 00:40:07

What did he tell you?

Johanna White: 00:40:09

Oh, he told me like, you'll get numbness in your face, it'll start to push out your jaw, you'll lose vision in your right eye because the left nerves deal with the right eye. And like all of these things, and so I woke up the next morning with the paralysis back, that choking back. And like my face was all numb and tingly. And my eye was blurry. And

Johanna White: 00:40:33

I was

Anna Ditchburn: 00:40:36

oh, no, overnight,

Johanna White: 00:40:37

overnight, and I went, what just happened? I mean, I know that clearly. I'm not where I wanted to be. But how did that happen so fast. And so I licked my wounds for a couple more days, I got smart again. And I said, clearly, there's a correlation both ways. Like I can believe in healing and get better. And I can also take the doctors word, and get worse, I get to choose. And so I started all over again. And unfortunately, I wasn't good enough fast enough to make it all disappear in one day again, it was again that slow plod and that slow journey and standing on healing and and now it was maybe even harder. Because I had to believe against evidence contract. Like there's physical

Anna Ditchburn: 00:41:28

evidence in inverted commas.

Johanna White: 00:41:31

Yeah. And, and my struggle was having grown up in this church cult thing, where we were constantly questioned on our motives. And like, are you really this? Now I'm questioning my motives. In addition to that, like, Okay, I don't want to tell people I'm healed when this scan clearly says otherwise. Because with my motive, it must be to get attention, or that I just am in denial or lying. So I've got that whacked out like fear based, you don't even know your own self, by this probably wicked. So then I'm like, afraid of telling people I'm healed when the scan says that I'm not because I don't want to be a liar. And I don't want to be a fraudster. And like, even though, that church turned into a cult, which turned into a mess, I am still grateful for my foundation in faith, and my foundation and my belief in God, because that was what then like, got me to the healing. And I learned that what you believe matters, but what you do about what you believe matters even more. And this was my first time I've ever had to do something about what I believed. So it happened again, like I got almost all the way better, went back for another scan. Nope, you're not better, left, less shattered, more confused? More like Why won't this darts can prove it, I want to prove to people I'm healed. I don't want to be one of those Christians. That just, there's so many out there that say this and this and this guy failed. And all of these things for what purpose? I don't even know. But they give Christians bad name. And I didn't want to be one of them. And so I hesitated to even start telling my healing story. Because there was this scan that said otherwise, even though my body now aligned with what I was saying and what I was believing it was coming back and it was fully perfect, stronger than I've ever been before. But I kept going on my quest for certainty. I kept like following this not quite getting out of it not quite getting all the way there. You need evidence and evidence on the paper. My body apparently wasn't enough. What did on paper. And so finally, like two and a half years after the initial diagnosis, I met a surgeon who said, Yes, I can remove this tumor. It's not that big a deal to me, I work in this exact area all of the time. risks for the surgery are minimal, like maybe a little bit of nerve damage in your jaw. And it'll be a 10 hour surgery. Come back in three months, we will do this. And so at this point, my family and friends are kind of sitting me down and going Johanna, why do you want to get this surgery? You're perfect? Like, why are you sure? And I was like I want to never have to think about this again. I want to move on with my life. I don't want to be the girl with a brain tumor. I don't want to be the one like there had been some fundraisers done for me during this which was amazing. A huge blessing like people helped raise money to cover some of the surgeries but it was in the news. And so because of that, people that I was doing work for, they were questioning like, do we want to hire you? Are you going to be dead soon?

Johanna White: 00:45:11

Like, they didn't say it like that. But they would ask question, how's your head? Before we booked this contract with you? Make sure you're not starting our brand and then dying. It's kind of and so I wandered away from this story. I was unbelievable. They want to make sure that their six figure investment is not going to die on them.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:45:35

No, you're on them.

Johanna White: 00:45:39

So I wanted to certainty so even though at this point, now my family and friends had switched from saying, like, take the medical path to this is clearly working cheap.

Johanna White: 00:45:51

Doctors, and now I'm like,

Johanna White: 00:45:54

I'm gonna give this damn surgery because I want to never think about this again. And so three months go by we go for the surgery. Symptom wise, I'm still healthy. And we get all prepped, it's like five in the morning because it's going to be an all day surgery. They've got a haven't eaten in 24 hours, all the normal pre surgery crap. And of course, I haven't slept I'm so nervous. And we get there. They've got me all prepped tubed up, anesthesiologist is there ready to put me under and the surgeon goes walking in and it goes, Wait, I just took another look at your charts. And I decided actually, I can't do this surgery. On this, the risks are way greater than I thought I thought this but now I've actually decided that they could put you on a feeding tube for life or in a wheelchair for life. And I can't do that to a healthy person. And so until the symptoms put you in a wheelchair, we're not going to help you. And I was mad.

Johanna White: 00:46:56

I'm hangry it's 5am. I haven't slept. I just did all this prep, couldn't you have looked at my chart? There's two months ago, or one month ago or two days ago.

Johanna White: 00:47:12

And also to like get my hopes up and to get my hopes down. And I was so just screaming mad. And literally, there's just sort of curtains now hospital, I'm yelling.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:47:23

And you've been fighting for this separation for a long time.

Johanna White: 00:47:27

Yeah. And I thought, again, if you haven't found the through line, yet, my quest for certainty was still strong at this moment. Despite all of the evidence, the good evidence that was happening in my life. I just wanted one more piece. So I could prove it to other people. Prove that I'm not crazy, prove that it worked all this? And so he said, No, send us home. It was really actually ended up being a cool experience. Because we all went out like all my friends and family and come from across the country to be there to like, be there worship and stuff. So now we're like, well, we have hotel rooms. What do we do? We went out to breakfast, and cried a lot. But while we're sitting eating this table, overheard us and this guy turns around, and he's like, couldn't help overhearing. I'm a pastor. And we're actually right now doing a series on healing. And could we pray for you tomorrow? Like, would you come to our church tomorrow? Could we pray for you? Wow. And so we're like, why not? We've got hotel rooms, we're here. So we went and like the whole church came up and just laid hands on me. And they were they were already in this series. And they were just all like, fired up about healing. It was awesome. And then then we went home. And there was nothing like instant or crazy, like from that moment. But it was just one more confirmation that this is this is your path. It's not what you thought it was. And so when the doctor said he wasn't going to do anything based on the scans only on symptoms, I said, but they still wanted me to come back every six months to get a scan called watch and wait. And I called it you want me to come back every six months, you can scare the pants off of me and brush my face again. And I don't think I can handle it. So no, thank you. I'm out. Well, no, no more MRIs. I don't even know what that stupid paper says. And when I finally said that, and finally walked out there, then I was free for the rest of the healing to begin, and I had already come so far and gotten so much back. But it just like fully restored. No more choking except, as I mentioned at the very beginning of this sometimes in rare occasions when I tell this story, it's like my body remembers and I'll start choking on the carpet not too Day, because, by the way, all the way done. And so I was able to go from that need for certainty to realizing that actually, certainty is just an illusion. And it was in those early days, when the fear was just crushing me and making everything worse and making all the symptoms worse, that I forced myself to ask Johanna, what do you actually afraid of, and I wasn't afraid of dying, I realized I was afraid of living with a lesser quality of life, I was afraid of living in a wheelchair or living on a feeding tube, or one of those things, because I identified my identity was in being a strong person. And if I was this weaker person, I perceived weaker, that I wouldn't be happy anymore. And then I wouldn't be joyful. And it just like, hit me like a ton of bricks. That actually, like right now I'm sitting here, half choking, my head was pounding. In that moment, I could actually choose to be joyful, and just surrender. And so my journey then became this combination. And I think this is what has led me to business success today. It has been this combination of massive action, and then surrender. And it was like, oh, okay, I surrender the outcome. I just choose joy. You can't take that away from me, guess what, now I've got nothing left to be afraid of, and we can get on with.

Johanna White: 00:51:35

And then, you know, that became my motto in my business, it became, it's now or never, like the three years during the brain tumor, I felt victorious because I had managed to do what everyone said, I couldn't do, which was not only quit my job, actually, they wanted me to quit. But they wanted me to quit, so that I could go on Social Security. And they could cover the insurance bills, because I and I looked at that option for two seconds and thought, I don't think I can do that. Because if I do that, that becomes my new mindset. And I'll be three years down the road. Still this like dependent person that I've already, by the way, been my whole life, like still living in my parents basement, not trying mediocre, afraid of everything, I will still be there. And it'll be three years later. And I have to think beyond this tumor, I have to think there is a future and that Johanna is a badass. And she she doesn't quit work when she's still physically able to work. And so I did quit. But then instead, I started three companies. I felt like that was momentum, and it was a burst. But then as time wore on it, I settled back into that habit of being mediocre, even in my new business, like I hit a income ceiling and could not get past it. And now it's like long enough after the brain tumor. This was probably four years ago, I'm starting to look at my business and going, huh, that's funny. I've made exactly the same amount, four years in a row, even though I've raised my prices each year, and like done different types of packages somehow, like within five to $10 made exact same amount. Okay. And I got fed up, I was like, Okay, before when I was first diagnosed, it was now or never, and I did something I took that verse, but now I'm looking around, I was looking around saying, I did not come this far. to only come this far. This is not the successful future. I dreamed up when I said there's a badass Johann on the other side of the brain. And so I, I like, did all of the things. What will it take to get me unstuck? I'm going to try everything I read Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and four hour workweek, I went to Tony Robbins Unleash the Power Within conference and walked on hot coals.

Anna Ditchburn: 00:54:09

Amazing, amazing.

Johanna White: 00:54:11

I did all other things, because it just shook me that I could have overcome so much and still become complacent so quickly. Like, I didn't get the second chance to do nothing with it. And one of the verses that got me through that journey from the very first day, in fact, I woke up with this verse in my head that night I woke up with the migraine was I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord. And I thought, well, that's a funny verse. I'm not dying. I just have a headache. But I hung on to it. And then when the doctor said, you very much might die. That verse became my promise like No. God told me otherwise before you decided to tell me I might die. He told me I'm not so I clung to it. But I only got through the first part of it for Those three, four years I didn't die, but I didn't really live yet. I started, started to dip my toe into life. But then when I hit that patch, like, okay, income ceiling and mediocrity, again, I can't believe this is even a thing again, in my life, I, I realized I wasn't living in declaring the works of the Lord, like, I wasn't telling this story, I had this amazing thing. And how many people needed to hear about this, how many people needed to hear not to take the doctors were to say the last word, or that it does not enough to believe you got to do something about what you believe, and are sitting on it.

Johanna White: 00:55:41

And then, somewhere between Tony Robbins conference one and Tony Robbins conference too, then

Johanna White: 00:55:50

I learned to fall in love with my clients instead of with my products or services. And I learned to ask them, how I could serve them better. And I looked around and when they need this and nobody's doing it, like people are doing a piece of it. Or you wouldn't think that branding can have a big impact on someone's life. But when it's done, right, and you create this most aspirational version of themselves, in the physical world, it invites that human to live up and level up their future self right now. And it shows their highest value to the world and allows them to become known and loved for what they have to offer. And, like, it's so transformative, and I get to be a part of, and I got brave enough to start saying, Yeah, I'll add that in, I will be that that like cheerleader for your most audacious self. And I'm going to take you through this whole journey. And it doesn't matter if it's, you would think it would be long, we're going to make it fun. And we're going to have joy along the way. And we're going to eat this elephant one bite at a time, we're gonna have a blast. And I'm going to stop trying to shuffle you off to other people for parts of the project, because it's inconvenient. Or people typically don't want to pay for that or this like instead I said, No, I'll learn how to do it if I don't know how to do it, and I will expand to meet their needs. And so I got out of that rut. And along the way, luckily, I started to realize the value of serving people how they really want to be served, not in a selfish way that's like what you think they need. But it's a combination of what you know they need and what they are asking for. And it's bringing their most authentic self and their most aspirational self together. And so then I broke that income ceiling, like, blew that out of the water and started becoming this in my mind as funny. As I realized that when I was under charging for my own value, they weren't showing up. They weren't getting the value. And like, but to those when I started to get brave enough to say no, I'm worth it. They started showing up and saying I'm worth it too. And the results were astronomical. So I was like little quantum pricing bunny over the last three years. And it it's like, the last time I felt stagnant or complacent or that mediocrity was probably three or four years ago when I had that second shift. Like I didn't come this far to only come this far. And I know now that your ideal audience will happily pay to be part of your growth because growth is life. And so now I'm no longer afraid to put myself out there less than perfect. And you know, say like, we're gonna have an amazing outcome. There will be snags along the way. What do you know, we're gonna fix it together, and it's still gonna be amazing. And so I have gone from fear, anxiety mediocre because it was safe to I'm here to live life to the fullest. What do I have to really be afraid of that someone will tell me no, you're too expensive. Whatever they do all the time in but you know what if they have to tell me that they count me in the best way. They're like, You're too expensive for me right now. But I can totally see why you're worth it and I'm putting it on my vision board and we're coming back to this because by this time next year I will have manifested enough to make this so then not only do I get to help them brand their dreams I get to help them change their mindset in the first place and level up yeah All of that, because I went, I'm not going out like this.

Anna Ditchburn: 01:00:05

Bravo. Well, Jo, you answered all my questions. And then most of my questions, you know, I can resonate with your story where you're taking advice from your doctors. And when you were believing what was happening to you, because I went through 16 consecutive miscarriages, and 10 different doctors in Australia will tell me, firstly, they couldn't find any physical reason why I was losing pregnancy. So that's why I wanted to have this certainty, that is the should be something here I can, you know, find any reason that I can pray that I can get rid of, and then you know, it's going to disappear. But it wasn't, wasn't a new physical reason. And then, just recently, one doctor told me, you know, one of your abortions has damaged your reproductive system. And so your two options, or you're gonna go on a very hard hormone therapy, or you won't be able to have kids, unless you get adoption adopted for surrogate mother. And for a few weeks, I truly believed, well, I need to go on this therapy, which will completely ruin my health, or I will never become a mother, and you are such an inspiration for me. Because hearing your story, I started to believe Hold on. This is in my hands. This is It depends on what I believe in. And honestly, I just wanted to say, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing this story. And thank you for inspiring me to believe in myself,

Johanna White: 01:02:00

you're so welcome. And I mean, your story in itself is so inspirational to so many other women. And but I'm blessed that it has blessed you. And I will be cheering you on with whatever route you choose to go. But I just know that the one you believe in is the one that will work. And that's

Anna Ditchburn: 01:02:25

why I believe that this podcast is so important. Because you need to find this person who will believe in you. If you don't have anyone in your close surrounding going find this person, borrow his or her belief in you until you start believing in yourself.

Johanna White: 01:02:47

And it doesn't matter if nine people say it can't be done. Just listen to the one voice that says it can. And sometimes for a little bit, that voice has to be you. But if you say it long enough, you'll find another voice. And like Ana said borrow it. That's what I did with the sermons and putting it in and just letting it play. Like I just borrowed their faith and mindset big enough yet. I'm just gonna borrow yours.

Anna Ditchburn: 01:03:14

And you are such an amazing example. For me, of the someone who turned their past trauma into their superpower. John, my question for you? What makes you different when you work with people? I know you've mentioned that you love them. But when they come to you, what what do they get? What else do they get? Instead of a bundle of joy and

Johanna White: 01:03:45

careful, careful honor, you're gonna get another really long answer, because there's so many things my clients would say that makes it different. But joy actually really is one of them, helping them choose joy in the journey. That is one thing, but also, I am really good at helping them see what could be and in a physical way, and and believing in them, sometimes even more than they believe in themselves. And I I believe that there is no shame in being the best. That it's an amazing thing. And so I welcome that. And I welcome that in my clients and I welcome finding the ways to show them as the best. I love taking people who are the very best at what they do, and helping them look as good as they are so that they can be as delightfully expensive as they deserve to be. And I think in so many places, there's shame around that. Like you shouldn't want to be expensive. How dare you How selfish how this how that what I've learned is that when you charge what you're Are you deliver a new level of excellence and the world needs more excellence, I create, like magical worlds of my clients brands that are, are like when you go to Disney, and every single thing has been thought of and taken care of. And you just feel the Excellence in the air, because they cared about the big details and the small details, and they hired the best, and they created magic. That is what I do different among so many other things. But it's like, a lot of my clients will say, honestly, I can't describe it. It is like magic. I don't know how it happened. I just know that I came to get a brand. And I left transformed. I left as my future self right now. And the confidence that I have is through the roof, because now not only can I see it, and say it, I have the words to talk about it. But also everyone else can see it. And they're telling me about it. And like so bestowing that confidence through the process. And again, with the joy, like it sounds a small thing. But how many people don't do what they need to do for their business or for their lives, because it's a long, complex sounding boring seeming Duffey overwhelming process. And they're gonna have to find 10 million people to bring it all together. And then it's only going to be somewhat consistent. And instead, I bring it all together and walk them from the beginning to the end, and we have a blast, like we're best friends halfway through. We're already talking about how we can meet up in Italy for their next photo shoot, or how we can be cheering their newly launched website from a deck in Greece and like preparing like, that is how much fun they're able to have along the process. And when they have joy in the process, the rest of their business goes better, they now have this thing that they're one so frickin excited about. They can't help but tell the world which creates its own momentum and its own growth right there. But they just feel like this thing that I thought would be average experience at best is actually something I can't wait to do again.

Johanna White: 01:07:23

They come back they're like, I

Johanna White: 01:07:24

know, we just did my whole

Johanna White: 01:07:24

brand. But what else can we do? Such a blast working with you and the best thing ever.

Anna Ditchburn: 01:07:33

And I can understand why I can understand your clients. And you as you said before, we leave once, why not to be fully Shine, shine your light brightly for other spin inspiration. And being the best. It's not an ego thing, what I've realized from from my own journey, and you can see World's Best Life customization. It's my commitment to myself to become this world's best that people want to work with and transform people's lives. John, I want to start this this sentence and I want you to finish it.

Johanna White: 01:08:14

I know we've only known each other for two weeks, you want me to be finishing your sins. Okay, I can do it.

Anna Ditchburn: 01:08:21

Those are the last few questions where people can find you. And then I want to start use your answer. One of the best website you have ever seen is

Unknown: 01:08:34

designed by Jo studio.com.

Anna Ditchburn: 01:08:40

Honestly, one of the best websites I've ever seen, if not the best, thank you.

Johanna White: 01:08:47

Yeah, you can come get a little taste of the magical world that I build for my clients on designed by Joe studio.com. There's a connect with me contact drop me a hello. But if you just want to hang out and witness the magic, you can find me on Instagram or Facebook. My handle is at designed by Joe studio. And also on LinkedIn connect with me, I would love to hear about your biggest most audacious dreams for your brand. And if I can help you get there I will. And if I can do nothing more than cheer you on and tell you to dream bigger. I'm going to do that too.

Anna Ditchburn: 01:09:26

Awesome, amazing job before we go. Do you have any concluding thoughts?

Johanna White: 01:09:31

I just want to remind people that listening to things like this is one way that you are choosing that new voice. So if this is the only podcast that you listen to go find for more that encourage you in the way you need to be encouraged. It doesn't just happen by accident. That growth that change healing does not just happen by accident. It's one tiny, intentional step at a time, sometimes you go the wrong direction doesn't matter, take another step. And keep, like, keep pulling it in. I have now some of the most amazing people in my life, ever, that I could have never, never dreamed up. And it's because I started changing my inputs, which started changing my outputs. And those outputs attract your dream clients and your dream friends and your dream relationships. So if you're scrambling and trying to get it, and saying, why can't I just have this thing? Like for me, for years, it was amazing female friends. I just felt like, I could not find it or they wouldn't last. But then I finally started changing my inputs and my feelings of I'm not even worthy of having friends, what would they see in me? Why would people possibly want to hang out with me? And changing that to I am Joy, and you're lucky if you can hang out in a room with me, because you're gonna leave on fire. And just changing those inputs, change the outputs. And now, they just find me and I also find them but I recognize them when I see them. So start changing those inputs, listen to more podcasts like this, or just binge on his podcasts. And you will get to where you want to be going.